I bet on you

"Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it." Genesis 1:28


Many letters start with rigor greetings, with the usual questions, simple introduction....commonplace beginnings.
What's a "beginning" anyway? When you're doing something all over from the start, when you're creating a miracle out of nothing or when a love story is taking birth? Anyway it should be .. or last,there is always...but always an ending.

Perhaps you're wondering why i'm saying such things in a moment like this.To show you that somewhere, one day our relantionship was about to end and eventually our lives.My life!

When i was sleeping in my room i felt you very close to me. Eventually i woke up but you were already asleep. Then i told myself..."This is it...this is the perfect time to kill myself". I gave it so much thought, but after all , the devil inside me won...I fell prey to a hard sin, in wich you are the only victim.


Initially I wanted to choose a simpler way,less painful. I wanted to shoot myself. But I said it's too noisy and i didn't want to woke you up. In a final , after long quarrels with my mind and heart i chose the razorblade. Yeah,the razorblade! Oh what a pain...I felt myself dying, I felt like my life is leaking through my weak and small veins. I just wanted to take with me beyond, your face, your smile....everything that meant you....Ah...Forgive me for the little drops of blood on this insignificant piece of paper.
"I'm trying to read the last sentence but his writing and the blood stand in my way..ah"
Forgive me for not being man enough to face this forbidden love, for abandon you trying to forget you...Forgive me for all of this and many more.
Maybe i should've listen to you. Maybe we should've gone to an deserted island and live alone, without prejudice, without people that see only the apparent. But wouldn't it be three of us? Me,you and HIM? Yes, HIM!


Remember the day when you came to my door?When you met with Sara, my secretary?When I got out of the shower and I saw you i was panicked! My jaw was clenching like when i had those crisis from pasmofilia, those frequent seizures. I was shocked, but eventually i came back to my senses ready for another fight with you,with love. On that night i saw the needles marks on your arms..i thought you quit doing this!but then i realized you started doing drugs again because of me. YES! To my great disappointment I am the guilty one for this and I assume all responsibility for all the bad things you've done because of me ..or for me.
Now in conclusion i want to tell you that...i killed myself because of...I-I just couldn't get over the fact that i'm a man...You're a man...
It's just too painful.

Use the key that you'll find in the envelope to open the upper drawer in my desk. There you'll find a book.It's our book...Our life. I wanted to be a psychological one, but then i remembered that you like dramas....and i made it a drama book.Just like my life was. Our love story. You can now publish it. On the first page i want you to write "For my lover, AArin, with all my love."
Farewell my friend, my support, my angel....With love, yours truly, Sebin...


I'm lifting my shaking hand and i'm heading it by the drawer while thousands of thoughts push me towards gestures banned by religion, forbidden by him... I'm looking for a book, I do not know what it looks like,how thick it is, i'm just looking for it. My eyes
are practically closed. "In the last few days I haven't really closed my eyes, i don't even know when was the last time i actually slept. I wonder how many days have passed since you've been gone....2,3? A week?
What difference does it make? You're not here anymore..."
"What point does my life have from now on?"

>P.S.<

Tin a spune ca acesta mica "postare" face parte dintr-un mic roman ce va fi sper eu publicat undeva prin octombrie, noiembrie. Romanul are la baza o poveste yaoi, asta in ideea in care "yaoi" este echivalent cu "gay" doar ca face strict referire la filme, manga, anime si chiar si carti cu tematica ce deriva din Japonia.